I’m Not Who I Used To Be

Hey there. It’s Maria.

And it’s been a while since I’ve written a post that comes straight from my heart. One that’s raw and real, and if you’ve been following this blog for a while, you know that that’s usually how I write. But I’ve lamented time and time again that sometimes I fall into the comparison trap, and think I need to keep up with everyone else who is blogging and on social media, even if it doesn’t align with my heart. 

So, I’m here now, sitting on my couch, ready to pour my heart out and let you know where I really am. How I got here. And where I want this blog to go.

Where I Used To Be

For so long, this blog was built on writing about my struggles with an eating disorder and anxiety/depression, and how running helps keep those things at bay. And while those topics are still things I talk about frequently on this platform, the girl who was writing that years ago has grown. Tremendously.

That girl was still insecure and unsure. She was still trying to understand her place in this world and was still getting caught up in the world’s standards of beauty day after day.

My anxiety and depression were still very prevalent in my life. And I was struggling with bouts of bulimia, though no one knew (and thankfully that chapter has been closed).

Though, I do want to take this opportunity to share a fair warning to all of those reading this who are bulimic or who have ever thought about making themselves throw up… it hurts your body. It really, truly does, and I suffer from chronic acid reflux because of it (it’s partly genetic, partly because of bulimia). So, please, please do not even give it a try. It’s not worth what it does to your metabolism and your esophagus.

I digress.

The girl who wrote RunningMyselfTogether 4 and a half years ago, well, she’s no longer a young, unsure girl. She’s no longer entrapped in the lies the world tells us. I can look down at my thighs, though bigger than they ever have been before, and still enjoy a dinner out with my boyfriend. Without having a self-destructive thought. Without any thoughts of going on a diet as soon as the dinner is over.

I can smile and laugh and enjoy life in the body I have now – with my bigger thighs, and my bigger cheeks, and the rolls on my stomach.

It’s Wonderful On This Side

One of my therapists said to me once (when I was working hard to get through eating disorder recovery): “Maria, someday you will get over this. You won’t be entrapped by these thoughts. You will experience a kind of freedom you’ve never experienced before. And I can’t wait till you get there.”

Well, Monica, I’m here. I’ve made it. And you were so, so right. It’s wonderful on this side.

But it took a lot of hard work to undo all of the lies that were running rampant in my mind. And I still struggle with anxiety and depression, but I’ll get to that in a bit.

Who I Am Now

God is always trying to work in our lives. You know that, right? And when you let Him, goodness gracious, the graces you will receive are ever-abundant. You will see your life transform.

I did.

Over a year ago, for reasons I won’t dive into, I decided to do all I could to change the way I was living my life. They weren’t massive changes, but they were changes that I knew could only help me. I stopped drinking so much and I dove deeply into my faith. And to my point above, when you let the Lord in, He gives you grace after grace. No, I’m not perfect – I still stumble daily, but it’s easier to pick yourself back up with Jesus is walking by your side.

This transformation was one that, looking back, I didn’t realize it was happening. During this time, David (my boyfriend) was brought into my life, and he’s the most loving, kind, and patient man I’ve ever met. He’s shown me what selfless love looks like, and what it truly means to put someone before yourself.

I went on a pilgrimage to Spain and Portugal that radically changed how I perceive myself and the world around me.

I’ve become closer and closer with the young adults in my church.

And I’ve grown into a young woman who is confident in who God made her. I can finally, finally accept every piece of me – mind, body, and soul – because I’ve taken a lot of time to truly understand the gifts God has given me, and I’ve spent a lot of time praying to better understand the call God has on my life.

My life is exploding with love and abundance and peace.

There’s One Caveat

Except there’s one huge thing that still lingers. I still have anxiety and depression. I do. And I’ve learned through a lot of (recent) therapy that it is because I am wired this way. Some people struggle with anxiety and depression because of the way they’re living their lives (i.e. excessive drinking, doing drugs, hanging around the wrong people) or because of tragedy that they still need to work through. (Disclaimer: I understand this is a generalization and realize there are other reasons for having anxiety and depression)

I have worked through all of my tragedy and have done all I can to eradicate any lifestyle that’ll cause my anxiety and depression to flair up (drinking, late nights, excessive caffeine, letting negativity rule my mind, etc.), and yet, I still still struggle with anxiety and depression.

The difference now is I know it’s not because I’m insecure or unsure or living a reckless life. It’s because my wiring is a bit different than, say, David’s who is a pretty laid back and consistent guy. (Praise God. Could you imagine what our relationship would look like if he wasn’t?)

Moving Forward

So, now I’m trying to understand what it looks like as a young adult and then eventually older adult who has anxiety and depression. I’ve learned how to manage it very well. And most days it doesn’t affect me. But then some days it’s like I’ve gotten hit by a freight train. I can’t shake the anxiety, racing thoughts, and fears. Or I can’t talk myself out of a deep sadness.

I share this with you not for sympathy. Trust me, I know if you’re reading this, you’re either interested in what I had to share that was so “real” or you get it. You get what it feels like. And that reassures me because it means I’m not alone. And it means you’re not alone either.

That’s why I started this blog. So that you wouldn’t be alone and neither would I. We could walk this walk together.

But the beauty is there is so much we can do to work through it so that it doesn’t have to tackle us to the ground. And there are many positive things that come out of being able to tap into emotions most people cannot. We just have to figure out how to manage them, so that they don’t take over our beautiful, God-given lives.

New Life in the Spirit

There’s a new spirit of life within me, friends, and it’s hard to keep it quiet. The love of Christ is overflowing in my heart, and I am filled with so much joy. Yes, joy. Even though I still struggle with anxiety and depression, I’m filled with so much joy.

So, this blog will continue to shape and mold itself, just as it has been over the years, because I’m shaping and molding myself. Where would I like it to go? My prayer is that this can turn into a ministry that helps those struggling with mental illness. That’s my hope. But I know God’s plans are far bigger than anything I could surmise. 

Thank you for reading.

             Love,