It’s National Eating Disorder Awareness week this week, and we’ve had some brave and beautiful souls reach out to share their stories of triumph and recovery. This story comes from an anonymous writer who felt called to share her story with you. It’s inspiring and it’s a story that a lot of us can relate to. We hope you enjoy this piece, and please do all you can this week to love and support those who may be struggling with an eating disorder. For more information, check out the National Eating Disorder Awareness website.
My Faith Brought Me Through Recovery
The first time I ever felt truly “lonely,” I was in high school. I wanted to live for Jesus and live in a way that would glorify Him. And for me, this meant not partying. It was really hard for my 14-year old self, because one part of me wanted to fit in and be included in parties, but the other part of me knew I was living for something greater. But I couldn’t get past the “I don’t fit in” thoughts and became lonely in that.
Around the summer before sophomore year, the loneliness was overwhelming and I started controlling and restricting my food. I changed up my diet and used my vegetarianism as a mask to hide behind. Worrying about food quickly took up all of my thoughts, which was ironic since taking on a vegetarian lifestyle first started as a means to control something in my life.
I also enjoyed running. Running had always been a great outlet for me, but during this trying time I took running to an unhealthy level and used it as a means to punish myself.
“Are You Eating?”
As time went on, my friends and family started questioning why I was looking thinner and asking if I was eating. To stop their questioning, I tried eating again, but as I did that, I developed bulimia. My eating disorder was still there, and now showing up in different symptoms (i.e. bulimia), but I didn’t see a problem with this.
I was still struggling, but I was hiding it. Suffering in silence is the loneliest thing, which led to my depression. This endless cycle of restricting, eating, then purging went on for months. Along with depression, I also began struggling with anxiety. I had so much anxiety around food, and my thoughts would race and race.
A few months later, my friends figured out what I was doing and went straight to my mom. I began Christian counseling immediately, and found some relief, but I wasn’t ready to fully recover. My mindset didn’t change for months, because my eating disorder was a part of me that I wasn’t ready to let go.
Bring On The Gospel
But that summer I filled myself with the Gospel and a Christian community. For a minute, I felt like I was recovering. It was great! But I still hadn’t let Jesus into my eating disorder. Junior year came around with all kinds of new stressors, and my anxiety and bulimic practices resurfaced.
January of my junior year, I found out that I had developed an electrolyte imbalance from purging (these can be very serious). This was such a reality check- I knew what I needed to do. I knew I needed to recover. I had to work with doctors, dietitians, and my therapist to amp up my recovery.
My recovery was a monumental point in my walk with Jesus, because I looked at my eating disorder as something that Satan was using to separate me from God. I started trusting the Lord with my recovery knowing that He would be my strength.
When my electrolytes balanced out, I was allowed to start running again! This time around, I was running to celebrate how far I had come in myself, rather than a way to punish.
I like to describe bulimia, or any eating disorder for that matter, as a gift that over promises and under delivers. The disease makes you think you will feel better by taking part in the bad habits, but are left feeling worse than before.
You Will Be Secure, Because There Is Hope
Now, I am happier than ever. I do still have days that I wake up where I feel like the disease is stronger than me, and I do still have lies whispering to me, but then I remember that Jesus is stronger than it and He is with me at my lowest. I hope and pray that this will inspire someone to make that scary leap to recovery. Trust me, I know it’s scary and hard, but there is hope, it will be so worth it.
Interested in reading more stories of recovery and hope? Check out the Your Stories section.
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